What if the Super Bowl teams were Pokemon?

I wish I could say I thought of this idea on my own, but Pokemon and football were mixing back when I was still trying to buy a fire stone to evolve my Evee . The inspiration for this post came from this article my friend showed me today, and I loved the concept. Its Super Bowl week folks, and since I have no desire to talk about the cheating Patriots and the obnoxious Seahawks, lets replace them with a bunch of violent animals who don’t beat woman, fail drug tests, and occasionally murder people.

Let’s play some Poke-football.

THE RULES:

  • Pokémon #1-150 only. This should be obvious…
  • Flying powers, as well as psychic powers used to affect the movement of the ball, are subject to a 10-yard penalty.
  • Special attacks can only be used in conjunction with a football play (at the discretion of the referee.) Example: Pikachu may use Quick Attack in conjunction with catching a football, but may not use Thunder Shock while in contact with a defender in order to gain an unfair advantage.
  • For a player to use a Hyper Potion, Ether, Full Heal, or any other supplement, they must come out of the game for at least one play.
  • All players are subject to random Rare Candy tests throughout the season.

THE TEAMS:

In the modern PFL, it is very tough to go to back-to-back championships, but the Seadras have defied the odds and find themselves in the big game again this year. They are confident, brash, and sometimes even a little cocky.

Coach: Le’Veon BellSprout

Coach BellSprout planted the seeds for a Super Bowl winning team when he first came to Seattle and those seeds have grown into many Victreebels since then.

Quarterback: Wartortle

Sure he is a little young and underdeveloped, but he is already a proven winner. He is a fierce competitor and his team plays for him. Once he evolves into a Blastoise, he will be among the elite signal callers in the PFL.

Running Back: Tauros

A beast of a runner, he has no issue plowing right through your defensive line using his horn attack and then blowing the doors off your secondary with his agility. Loved by his teammates, he is generally an asshole to the media.

Offensive Line: Golem

In today’s PFL it is important to have a good mix of size and speed on your offensive line. This team of Golem’s has carried the load for the Seadras, rolling into the path of any pass rusher and chop blocking them at the knees. They are the unsung hero of the Seadras Super Bowl run, opening holes for Tauros and helping Wartortle feel very comfortable in the pocket.  

Wide Receivers: Doduo

Although they are not the best or flashiest group of wide receivers in the PFL, they are reliable and can make a play for Wartortle when he needs them. Their best asset is their quick attack off the line, which has the ability to burn an unsuspecting cornerback.

Tight End: Muk

A big nasty tight end, he is generally used in blocking but has been known to leak out of the backfield when Wartortle needs to check the ball down. He is known around the league as one of the stickiest blockers, never letting his man take an inch from him. It is also known that he never showers after games.

Defensive Line: Gengar

The night before quarterbacks play the Seadras, their dreams are haunted with the thought of going against this defensive line. Quarterbacks have claimed that Gengars can disappear from sight when they snap the ball, and reappear moments later standing over them. They have also been known to lick the quarterback after collecting a sack, leaving him paralyzed and forced to sit out the next play in order to get a paralyze heal on the sideline.

Linebackers: Machamp

The strongest unit on the field, Machamp’s are born linebackers. With their four arms they provide the flexibility  to wrap up the ball carrier or swat the ball out of the air with ease.

Secondary: Pidgeot

The Seadras sport a secondary that is the class of the league. The Pidgeot’s are excellent ball hawkers and cannot be burned by even the fastest Rapidash in the league. Although they are commonly flagged for using their gust attack to blow the ball out of the air, their powerful wings  can wrap around any receiver and drive him straight into the turf. And when they pick a ball out of the sky with their mighty talons, you better believe they are taking it back for 6.

The Patrats are the class of the PFL and have been so for well over a decade. Their program is known to take even the cockiest of Meowth’s and make them buy into the system.

(Note: I don’t like this team name any more than you do. But its the only Pokemon-based NFL logo for the Patriots on the internet. For more info on Patrat, click here)

Coach: Maurice-Jones Mew

The most respected and revered coach in the league, Mew’s football philosophy is so brilliant it is borderline supernatural. In fact, many have speculated on what exactly Maurice-Jones Mew is and where he came from. He is going for his fourth PFL championship, putting an exclamation mark on an already historic career.

Quarterback: Mewtwo

He is the ideal quarterback. He has a strong arm and a big body and can read a play with psychic clarity. Long time running partners, it has been widely reported that he and Mew have used their psychic powers to alter the outcome of football games, although nothing can be proven.

Runningback: Primeape

Another big bruising runner of the same ilk as Tauros; Primaepe lacks the breakaway speed to put him among the elite running backs in the league. His PFL career has also been plagued by anger issues and irrational behavior on and off the field. This video of him back in college catches him at one of his less flattering moments:

Offensive Line: Snorlax

These guys are the old school big nasty offensive lineman. Sure they aren’t very mobile, but they don’t need to be when they are pushing your d-line five yards backwards every play. It takes a special pass-rusher like Ndomukong Suhbat to get past these guys.

Wide Receivers: Pikachu

This year’s super bowl does not feature any elite wide receivers, but don’t underestimate these Pikachu’s. They are lightning fast off the line and their electricity can be super effective against the Pidgeot’s tasked with covering them.

Tight End: Charizard

Charizard can burn you worse than any other tight end in the league. He is Mewtwo’s favorite target and can glide downfield and make catches that defy gravity. It is also known that he has hooked up with every Jynx on the Patrat’s cheerleading squad.

Defensive Line: Dugtrio

Many thought coach Mew was crazy when he signed 5 Dugtrio’s to be on the defensive line, but it has proven to be another stroke of genius by the legendary coach. These Dugtrio’s have been known to dig in at the snap of the ball and then pop up out of nowhere, causing the quarterback to trip and fall unexpectedly, usually resulting in a fumble.

Linebackers: Hitmonchan

Two seasons ago the Patrats were playing the Cleveland Bros and Bros quarterback Brandon Weedle was trash talking the linebacking core of the Patrats. In what has become one of the most famous plays in PFL history, Hitmonchan got into the backfield on a broken play and punched Weedle so hard he ended his career. These guys are that good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Secondary: Alakazam

Far from the fastest or most physical secondary in the league, the Alakazam’s are still among the best in coverage because of their unique strategy, which is no doubt the brainchild of coach Mew. Instead of trying to cover receivers all the way down the field, they simply teleport to the location of where the ball is going. It gives receivers headaches when they think they are open and an Alakazam pops up at the last second to swat the ball away. The legality of this tactic was hotly debated for months, but it was ultimately decided that since teleportation did not affect the movement of the ball in the air, it is legal.

So who do you think will win the big game? Would you choose different Pokemon for the Patrats and Seadras? Let me know your opinion in the comments!

Speak your mind

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s