Everybody Wants A Plumbus

I’ve always wanted a plumbus. When I was a little treflorkian I used to play with plumbus’ all the time. My friends would come over and we would play with the plumbus together. Those were some of the best days of my life.

But as I got older plumbus’ sort of fell by the wayside. There were other responsibilities. There were other things to be done, and less time for fun. Some of my closest friends held onto their plumbus’. Some even traded them in for newer models when they came out. I didn’t. But whenever one of my friends would take out their plumbus I always enjoyed it. I still have my old plumbus’ in my bedroom at home. I don’t use them anymore because they are outdated.

I recently stepped into a blop-a-noop that told me there was a new model of plumbus available. I was so excited I nearly forgot to butter my soup chips. I figured it was time I bought myself another plumbus. Unfortunately, the new model would have indebted me 2.7 poins per second. I could ill afford that. But I knew that the PlumbusSTOP! near my parents house on REPPLES had a trade-in program. So I went home and gathered all my old plumbus’ into a bag. I knew they probably weren’t worth more than .5 poins per seconds, but I figured any amount helps.

When I arrived at PlumbusSTOP! I took everything out of my bag and presented it to the clerk. He was a nerdy old sqwanch who had probably spent most of his career at PlumbusSTOP! He took all my plumbus’ and examined them closely. Then he placed them each inside the Sneezy McDeluxe to test them for schleam potency and grumbo. After about 30 minutes he told he could take about half of my old plumbus’ for a total of .7 poins per second. The rest were too old and outdated to be repurposed.

I was pleasantly surprised. I didn’t think the whole lot of plumbus’ were worth that much. But with this many poins per second I could easily put a downpayment on a brand new plumbus. The old sqwanch asked me if that was what I wanted to do. I was tempted, but I decided to hold onto the poins and see if I could find a better deal at the indie plumbus shop in Gazorpazorp. The old sqwanch printed me a credit for .7 poins per second and sent me on my way.

The indie plumbus store was jam packed with greebebodes. I had to shimmy my way past them to get to the counter. When I got there, a friendly looking tralfalmadorian asked how he could help me. I told him I had a bunch of old plumbus’ that PlumbusSTOP! wouldn’t take. I knew the indie plumbus stores were always looking for some cheap schleam, so I figured I might be able to make a couple extra poins. He grabbed my plumbus’ and ran them through his Sneezy McDeluxe. While he was doing that I had a look around the store. I noticed that the indie plumbus store sold a lot of the old models. I guess there is a bigger market for retro schelam than I expected. Then I saw they were selling a plumbus: napoo naboo model for .4 poins per second. I had just traded in my old napoo naboo for .15 poins per second at PlumbusSTOP! They ripped me off!

I came back and told the clerk about the napoo naboo model I had just sold. I told him about all the models I had sold to the PlumbusSTOP! He said I probably could have gotten over 1.5 poins per second at the indie plumbus store for all my merchandise. He said it was dumb of me to trust the big plumbus franchises, since they have more schleam than they can count. I was livid. I wanted to grab one of those greebebodes and shake it until it spit up its blips and chips.

But then the friendly tralfalmadorian calmed me down with some good news. He told me he would give me .9 poins per second for all the old plumbus’ that PlumbusSTOP! wouldn’t even take. Now I had 1.6 poins per second towards a brand new plumbus. I figured I could pay for the rest out of pocket. But when I presented the tralfalmadorian with the .7 poins per second credit from PlumbusSTOP!, he said he couldn’t take it. He said none of the indie plumbus stores accept credit from PlumbusSTOP! So I took the .9 poins per second and walked to the nearest PlumbusSTOP!

They turned me down right away. They said they had been sold out of the new plumbus for weeks, and didn’t expect to get a new shipment in any time soon. I walked downtown to the PlumbusSTOP! by Hizzirds McGizzirds. I asked the big schwamy at the counter if I could buy a new plumbus. He was engrossed in a wrinkly chumbles. He didn’t even pick his pimply head up to answer me. He just said no.

It turned out there wasn’t a single new plumbus in all of Gazorpazorp. My only option was to go back to REPPLES and buy it there. But I didn’t have the time or money to do that. So I decided to go on the smoochiweb and see if I can have one shipped to my apartment.

I placed the order and scheduled for it to be delivered on Monday. I sat around all day Monday waiting for it to arrive. No luck. Tuesday the FedEx man came to drop it off while I wasn’t home. He sent a flim flam up to my apartment but it was not returned. So he left a note on my door saying he would try again tomorrow. But when I arrived home Tuesday night I had taken a bunch of phleeb and didn’t see the note. I was out all day Wednesday. When I finally arrived home I saw two notes on my door. The first one said the FedEx man had tried to deliver my package Tuesday but nobody answered the door. The second one said the FedEx man had tried to deliver my package today. Since nobody answered the door for a second time, the package was going to be returned to sender.

I was starting to get annoyed. Was all that schleam really worth it? I phoned the PlumbusSTOP! corporate headquarters on Gnar Gnar Mar Mar Gnar. I told them about the incident and they said they would have a new plumbus shipped out to me. I asked when I could expect it but they wouldn’t give me a specific date. I told them the reason I was in this predicament was because the delivery didn’t come when it was supposed to. They said they couldn’t help me. They could either ship the new plumbus out now, or I would forfeit my PlumbusSTOP! credits. I told them they are a bunch of blub-a-nubs who have monopolized the plumbus market to the detriment of honest treflorkians like me. Then I told them to ship the plumbus.

On Friday I stepped into another blop-a-noop. It was my roommate telling me he had received a flim flam that a package had arrived for me. It was the plumbus! I rushed home and found it on the floor outside my door. I tore open the package and marveled at the beautiful new plumbus inside. My roommate walked in and asked what I had ordered. I told him I had bought the brand new plumbus. I explained all the trouble I had gone through to acquire it. But now I didn’t even care. I finally had a new plumbus of my own. It was time to have some fun.

“That’s not the new plumbus,” he told me.

“Of course it is,” I said.

“No it’s not, this is.” He pulled out a plumbus that looked different than mine. It was bigger. It had a schleam potency that was eight snickles higher. It’s grombos were massive.

“But how,” I said. “I just ordered this last week.”

“This baby came out yesterday. You should subscribe to The Plumbus Aficionado. That’s how I stay on top of all my plumbus news.”

He took his plumbus and left me. I looked down at the plumbus in my hands. It was a sorry and pathetic looking thing. A tear rolled down my cheek and then sprouted into a flurbo and skipped out the window. I let the plumbus slide out of my hands and fall to the floor. Then I raised my foot and stomped on it.

The schleam sprayed everywhere.

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