The Heist

The day is January 20, 2017. Donald Trump has just been inaugurated 45th president of the United States. He leaves the capitol with his wife Melania and heads back to the White House. He walks in the front door. The White House usher approaches him.

“Welcome home Mr. Trump.”

“Thank you. It feels great to be here.”

“Let me show you to the Oval Office so you can get started making America great again.”

“Actually, can I have the keys please.”

“The keys, sir?”

“Yeah, you know, the keys to the house.”

“Sir, most presidents don’t carry the keys to the White House with them. They have aides for that.”

“Well, as you can tell from my campaign, I’m no ordinary president.”

“Certainly sir.”

The usher hands Donald Trump a large brass key ring with two dozen keys on it. The keys unlock every single lock in the White House. Donald Trump grabs the keys and shoots a glance at his wife Melania. She gives him a knowing grin.

“Well Donald, it’s time I should be getting back to New York City,” Melania says.

“Sounds good honey,” Trump says.

She begins to walk away.

“Oh babe,” Trump says. “Don’t miss me too much.”

“I’ll try, Donald.”

Melania departs, and Donald Trump is alone in the White House. He walks upstairs and enters the Oval Office. He sits behind the Resolute desk. He taps his fingers on the wood and glances at the bust of Martin Luther King Jr. and the Norman Rockwell painting of the Statue of Liberty. He grins.

In walks Senior Advisor Steve Bannon and Press Secretary Sean Spicer.

“Welcome welcome,” Trump says. “We made it. Now the hard work beings.”

“Indeed it does,” says Bannon. “Did you bring the tranquilizer darts?”

“You bet your ass I did,” Trump says.

Trump pulls several dozen darts filled with a highly potent horse tranquilizer from his jacket pocket. Spicer opens his briefcase to reveal a large tranquilizer gun. He loads the darts into the gun.

“Lock and load,” the press secretary says.

“Make sure everybody is in position,” Trump tells Bannon.

Bannon pulls out a walkie-talkie.

“Bannon to McConnell. Bannon to McConnell, over.”

The walkie-talkie screeches. “This is Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell in position and ready to roll.”

“Ok, tell them to make America dark again,” says Trump.

Bannon murmurs the orders into the walkie-talkie.

Mitch McConnell is in the White House power room with a tactical team of Florida Senator Marco Rubio and nominee for Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos. He gets the order and proceeds to snip a blue wire with a wire cutter. The lights dim in the Oval Office but then click back on. About a mile away at the National Archives Building nominee for Housing & Urban Development Ben Carson is standing next to the secret White House backup generator. He watches as the lights at the White House flicker on and off. Then he raises a sledgehammer and rips into the generator, cutting all electricity to the White House.

The Oval Office goes dark.

“Ok, now make America blind again,” Trump says.

Bannon grumbles into the walkie-talkie.

Thirty Breitbart reporters receive the order in their earpieces. They are stationed in the White House lobby under the guise that they are all there to interview the president. When they receive the orders they scatter in every direction. Secret Service can only grab three of them. The rest race around the building closing the curtains to all 147 windows. The task is completed in less than two minutes.

Now nobody can see inside.

A Secret Serviceman stationed outside the Oval Office feels something is very wrong and wants to alert the president. He peeks his head into the door. Spicer is vigilant. The moment he spots the Secret Serviceman, he hits him in the throat with a dart. The Secret Serviceman slumps to the floor.

“Good catch, Spicey,” Trump says. He turns to Bannon. “Tell me you have the bags.”

“Of course I do, Mr. President.”

Bannon turns around and drops his trousers. He squats in front of the Resolute desk. He pushes hard and out fall two suppositories. Trump rips the plastic film off and unfolds two large burlap sacks.

“Okay boys, let’s go shopping.”

Bannon, Trump and Spicer spread out and began scooping everything off the shelves and tables in the Oval Office. They grab the Martin Luther King Jr. bust and the Norman Rockwell painting. They take the portrait of George Washington and the presidential bible. They snatch everything of value in Oval Office. Everything that has come to represent the American presidency over the last 200 years. When there is nothing left to take, they roll up the presidential rug and throw that in their bag too.

“How are we going to carry all of this?” asks Spicer.

“I’ve already thought of that,” says Trump, as he shoots a nod at Bannon. Bannon leans into his walkie talkie. A few seconds later Kellyanne Conway taps on the window. Trump goes over and open it. Kellyanne climbs inside.

“Thanks for joining us Kellyanne,” Trump says. “Can you grab these two bags?”

Kellyanne lifts both bags and swings them over her shoulder as if they were filled with cotton balls.

“Ok, lets move out,” Trump says.

The four government officials move towards the door. Outside there are two Secret Servicemen checking on their sleeping colleague. They spot Trump and his team.

“Hey, what’s going on here?” one of them asks.

Kellyanne swings the burlap sack around and bashes the Secret Serviceman in the head. Simultaneously, Spicer shoots off a dart and hits his partner in the chest. A third Secret Serviceman comes charging up the hallway and grabs the tranquilizer gun out of Spicer’s hands. He ducks to narrowly avoid a vicious swipe by Kellyanne Conway. He turns the gun on the president and his team, but before he can squeeze off a shot a ninja star hits him right between the eyeballs. He falls to the floor, dead.

At the far end of the hall is Speaker of the House Paul Ryan.

“Nice throw, Paul,” Trump said.

“Thank you, Mr. President.”

“Do you know where the rest of the team is?”

“Follow me.”

Ryan guides Trump, Kellyanne, Bannon and Spicer through the West Wing to the Roosevelt Room. Inside await McConnell, Rubio, DeVos and Carson along with Chief of Staff Reince Preibus, nominee for Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, nominee for Attorney General Jeff Sessions, nominee for Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin, nominee for Secretary of Health and Human Services Tom Price, nominee for EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt, FBI Director James Comey, son-in-law Jared Kushner and Sarah Palin. Each is holding an empty burlap sack.

“Let’s rob these bastards blind,” Preibus tells Trump.

Trump nods. He takes the large brass key ring out of his pocket and slams it on the table.

“Everybody grab a key,” he says. “Fill up your burlap sack until you can’t fit anything else. I want every worth anything to America. Report back to the Roosevelt room in no less than 15 minutes. If you are late, we cannot wait for you.”

The group nods. Suddenly, there is a loud knock on the door.

“Mr. President,” the voice says. “This is the Secret Service. We know you are in there. We are not sure what you are doing but this is highly unorthodox. We need to secure you. We have reason to believe there is an attack being carried out on the White House.”

“You’re god damn right there is!” Trump says. “Kellyanne go!”

Kellyanne Conway bursts through the door of the Roosevelt Room and is met by 15 Secret Servicemen. She leaps around, avoiding their grasp like a shapeshifter. Then she comes back and smacks one across the face, breaking his nose. She sweeps the legs of another Secret Serviceman, knocking him over. Another Serviceman grabs her from behind. She lifts her legs up in the air and flips over him. She comes down behind him and snaps his spinal cord.

While Kellyanne is dealing with the Secret Service the rest of Trump’s team spread out and begin collecting valuable presidential artifacts. They hit every room in the White House and reconvene at the Roosevelt Room in fifteen minutes flat. In the hallway, Kellyanne Conway is standing over a pile of Secret Serviceman, smoking a cigarette.

“This is amazing work, really great,” Trump tells his team. “Now it’s time to blow this popsicle stand.”

The team travels into the White House basement and then down into a secret tunnel beneath the building. The tunnel ends at a ladder. The team climbs the ladder. Trump pops his head out of a storm drain to find himself smack dab in the middle of the National Mall. He climbs out. Around him are several stragglers from his inauguration earlier today. “Make America Great Again” banners are strewn across the Mall. He looks down into the storm drain and gives his team a signal to climb out. Across the Mall he can see helicopters and police cars racing towards the White House.

“Fools,” he says out loud.

Trump and his staff begin walking across the lawn towards the Lincoln Memorial. Trump looks around cautiously to make sure nobody notices him. He crosses eyes with an overweight man in a red “Make America Great Again” cap twenty feet away.

“Oh my god,” the man says out loud, tapping his friend. “That’s Donald freakin’ Trump! Mr. President! Mr. President!”

“Run,” Trump yells.

Trump’s team begins dashing across the National Mall. A growing horde of Trump supporters are nipping at their heels. Trump begins to tire. He looks up and sees more Trump supporters running directly at him. Within seconds they are on him. Grabbing at his suit and muzzling his hair. He is being pushed back and forth. He drops the burlap sack.

Suddenly, bullets fly in the air. The sound echoes across the National Mall.

“Everybody get on the ground,” screams Vice President Mike Pence.

The Trump supporters stick their hands up and fall to their knees, leaving just Trump and his team standing.

Pence, wielding an assault rifle, lifts up Trump’s burlap sack.

“A Vice President couldn’t leave his boss hanging,” Pence says, and hands him the assault rifle.

Trump smiles at him. They run behind the Lincoln Memorial to the Potomac River, where Pence has a speedboat docked. The team loads the burlap sacks onto the speedboat. Then Trump and Bannon climb on board. Pence goes to pull himself on board next, but Trump, now wielding the assault rifle, blocks his path.

“I’m sorry there Mr. Vice President, but there is only room on this boat for two.”

“Mr. President, you can’t be serious,” Pence says.

“I’m afraid I am.”

Trump thumps Pence in the head with the but of his rifle. Pence falls to the muddy embankment on the side of the river. The speedboats’ engine roars and it pulls away.

“So long, suckers,” Trump yells.

Pence, Kellyanne, McConnell, Rubio, DeVos, Carson, Spicer, Preibus, Tillerson, Sessions, Mnuchin, Price, Pruitt, Comey, Kushner and Palin are stunned. The police sirens close in on them.

The speedboat flies down the Potomac and into Chesapeake Bay. It makes a course for the Atlantic Ocean. Trump and Bannon smoke cigars and laugh.

When the speedboat reaches buoy 44014 off the coast of Virginia Beach, Bannon cuts the engine.

Trump is standing at the bow of the boat, staring off into the horizon. Bannon walks out towards him. He looks down at his watch.

“Won’t be long now,” he says.

Trump turns and looks at him.

“Indeed.”

“Mr. President, can I ask you a question?”

“Anything Steve.”

“When this is all over, what do you think you’re going to do?”

“Honestly, I have no idea. Between you and me, I never expected to get this far.”

“That’s your problem, Mr. President, you lack vision.”

“Who says I have a problem,” Trump says, shooting a serious look at his senior advisor.

“I’m saying you have a problem,” Bannon says, as he pulls a handgun from his pocket.

“Well, well, well, look who decided to grow some balls,” Trump says.

“Get on your knees,” Bannon yells. “Now.”

“To hell with you,” Trump says.

Bannon cocks back and pistol whips Trump. Trump falls on his back. Bannon stands over him with the pistol raised.

“Beg for your life,” Bannon says.

“No!”

Bannon shoots Trump in the thigh. “Now!”

Trump is squirming on the ground, blood streaming out of him.

“Steve I thought we were a team,” Trump yells. “But now you have gone and done this. How could you. I’m your president!”

“You were the president, Donald. I’m the president now.”

Bannon squeezes the trigger and puts a bullet in Trump’s chest. Trump falls flat on his back. Bannon walks up to the body and kicks it over the side of the boat. Then he walks to the stern and sits down. He lights another cigar. Moments later, water starts bubbling near the buoy. A submarine emerges from the sea. The hatch of the submarine opens and Russian President Vladimir Putin and Melania Trump pop out.

“Sorry if we kept you waiting,” Putin tells Bannon.

“Don’t even mention it,” Bannon replies. “The plan went off without a hitch. We robbed the White House blind. Everything America holds near and dear is in these burlap sacks.”

“And Mr. Trump?” Putin asks.

“I had to kill him.”

Putin looks at Melania. They exchange a shrug.

“He served his purpose,” Putin says. “Here is your money.”

Putin tosses Bannon a black briefcase. Bannon catches it. Then he begins handing off the burlap sacks to Putin. Melania takes them and brings them below deck.

“Hey Vladimir,” Bannon says. “Mind if I catch a ride with you? The USA is too hot right now.”

“Of course,” Putin says.

Bannon pops open a carton of gasoline. He pours it all over the speedboat. Then he drops his cigar in the gasoline and ignites the boat. He climbs aboard the submarine. Bannon and Putin descend down the hatch and the submarine dives back into the ocean.

The charred remains of the boat sink into the Atlantic. The only thing left behind is buoy 44014, gently bobbing up and down. Suddenly, a pale and pruned hand emerges from the sea and grasps at the buoy. Trump pulls himself out of the water. He is wounded badly. He yells for help.

His screams carry across the flat gray ocean. He looks to the sky in hopes of an aircraft. He looks to the horizon in hopes of a ship.

But help never arrives. Nobody knows where the president is, and nobody cares. He is completely alone.

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